Category Archives: Commentary

10.24.15
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Commentary #12: The Woman Who Was Desperate To Become Blind (Body Integrity Identity Disorder)

I saw this story on one of my local TV stations’ websites on a Thursday afternoon. My eyes went wide; I couldn’t believe the headline:

Woman desperate to be blind had drain cleaner poured in her eyes, now happier than ever

Desperate to be blind?

Having drain cleaner poured in her eyes?

Happier than ever?!

I read the brief article, and then I immediately wanted to search for more. I wanted to try to make sense of this disorder that this woman had: Body integrity identity disorder, or BIID, for short.

These are the links I found when I Googled her name and BIID:

Her name is Jewel, and she’s 30-years-old. She wanted to be blind since she was six-years-old. She “felt comfortable” thinking about being blind.

According to Jewel, a psychologist helped her become blind – This person administered numbing eye drops first, then a couple of drops of drain cleaner in each eye.

It took about 18 months for the full effect. She has no contact with her mother and sister; she lied to them initially about how she went blind.

Despite some of her immediately family cutting all ties with her, Jewel says she has no regrets, and she wants to help others who are blind to live independent lives.

After reading these articles, I sat in my chair, stunned. I wasn’t sure what to make of this. Jewel insisted in her interview that she doesn’t think she’s crazy – She has a disorder. In addition, she says went public with her story to raise awareness of BIID and encourage those with BIID or suspecting that they have BIID, to seek professional help.

I immediately wanted to learn more about BIID. Thank God for the Internet!

I shared this strange topic with my friend Justin. He searched it as well and came up with this case:

David was desperate to remove his leg. He tried every method to amputate it himself. Finally, feeling helpless and feeling like there was nowhere else to turn, he called his best friend. His best friend was empathetic, telling David, ‘” … there was something in my eyes the whole time I was growing up … it looked like I had pain in my eyes, like there was something I wasn’t telling him.'”

According to this article, the first modern account of BIID came to light in 1977. A paper was published on “apotemnophilia,” or the desire to be an amputee.

And more stories and articles have been published since then. The following list contains a mix of scholarly articles, feature pieces, and resources.

Even though BIID is a relatively new condition, a lot of literature is out there. Many people have told their story. It is bizarre and strange, don’t get me wrong, but I have started to have a better understanding of this condition and this disorder. I have learned a lot by researching this topic for this post.

In first reading about Jewel, the North Carolina woman who wanted to be blind for over 20 years, she encouraged those suffering to seek professional help. That I definitely agree with.

These days, the stigma of “seeing a shrink” or seeing a therapist, etc., is slowly going away. I myself see a counselor on a regular basis. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) earlier this year. I wasn’t ashamed – In reality, I was relieved. I knew that I had been suffering, and I knew it was more than stress. Yes, I have a “label,” but I’m happy that I know what is wrong and how I can help myself. I’m also learning more about myself – My triggers, how to disconnect to calm myself down, how to make my “episodes” shorter and shorter, and so on. I’m very grateful that I’m not on medication to treat GAD, but I realize there are people who depend on medication every day to treat their conditions and disorders, and that’s definitely okay too. I’ve found myself to be a researcher and a reader on GAD, educating myself.

Back to Jewel – I’m happy that she wants to work with other blind people. She’s using her disorder to reach out to others and help them. I think that’s a wonderful thing. Her story is certainly strange, but I want to see her reach that goal. I hope the media does some sort of follow-up story in the future – I want to see her make good on her encouragement.

On the other hand, Jewel has received criticism as well. Those who advocate for the disabled and the blind have spoken out, saying that Jewel’s desire to become blind is like a slap in the face to those who were born blind or became blind from accidents or illnesses.

I understand that. I can understand that those who have desired to become amputees have also likely received criticism from people who work with amputees, and those who have lost limbs at or before birth, in accidents, from illnesses, from war, and so on.

What do you think? Did you know about BIID before reading this post?

Until the next headline, Laura Beth 🙂

10.16.15
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Commentary #11: “Keys, Cash, Passports: Nine Everyday Objects That Are About To Disappear”

Image Credit: cnn.com

Karmid Rashid, author of the CNN Style article. Image Credit: cnn.com

“I love the fact that very often the most everyday objects take on another level of importance.” ~Nick Veasey

While perusing CNN.com around the end of September (It’s part of my daily routine), this article caught my eye:

Keys, Cash, Passports: Nine Everyday Objects That Are About To Disappear

I was so intrigued by this article. I first saw it at lunchtime on a Wednesday, and I sat at my desk and read it straight through. Then, I went back and read it again.

I kept going back to it, and for me, that’s a pretty good sign I should write about something.

Here’s my take on Karmid’s list. Enjoy, and let me know what you think! I love reading your comments.

Keys and money

I find the whole fingerprint identification thing very interesting. I’ve seen it on the new smartphones, in place of typing a numerical password. That, I agree with!

However, I don’t think keys will become obsolete, at least not in the near future. I personally very much appreciate having deadbolts to lock at home and work; that makes me feel safe.

Money – Now that’s another story. I’ve watched cash, in particular, become obsolete with my own generation. For me, however, I still carry cash. I give myself a small cash allowance after every paycheck. Plus, I always get extra cash before I travel, for emergencies.

I have a ceramic bank, shaped like a frog, that I painted at a local paint-your-own-pottery place several years ago, and I enjoy filling Froggy up with coins. It’s interesting to see how much I save. Over the last few years, I’ve rolled and wrapped around $120 in change almost every year. I haven’t filled Froggy to the brim in 2015 just yet, but I think it’s gonna happen soon.

Verdict:

Keys – Not going obsolete

Money – Going obsolete, for some

Bottled water

I carry Tervis Tumblers with me wherever I go. I very rarely drink bottled water, anymore. I honestly can’t remember the last time I bought a bottle of water! We use the Brita filters at work, and there’s a pitcher in Mom and Dad’s fridge.

Verdict: Going obsolete

Passports and eyeglasses

This post is reminding me to update my passport (It’s probably been 10 years, or more, since the last update), although I’ll probably wait until I officially change my last name in about a month and a half. It’ll be easier that way.

This also reminds me of how people are going paperless with every single fucking thing, particularly travel documents. When Al and I were going through the airports back and forth to Florida in January, I was amazed at how many people used their phones to pull up their boarding passes. For me, I’ve always used paper, and I always will use paper. Seeing both the passengers and the airport security people struggle to scan the boarding passes on the phones was enough proof for me!

In terms of eyeglasses, I wear them. I also have contact lenses, but with my job requiring a computer all day long, I can only wear the contacts on the weekends. Several people I know have had LASIK surgery, and my own eye doctor thought I would be a good candidate. However, I don’t mind having my glasses and contacts. As long as I have my vision, I’m good.

In general, though, I think eyeglasses will eventually be replaced. However, given that I know so many people who use them, I don’t think it will be anytime soon.

Verdict:

Passports – Not going obsolete

Eyeglasses – Going obsolete, eventually

Parking meters

I observed this while in Richmond with Al and our friends last weekend. Instead of the traditional feed the meter with loose change, I had the option of swiping my credit card or inserting cash into this kiosk. Once I paid my $5.00, the machine spit out a receipt that I put on my dashboard that was good until 1:20 a.m.

Personally, thank goodness. I have a film canister with loose change in my car in case I run into the traditional meter, but honestly, where I live, there are far more parking garages and lots that charge more than a handful of change. We watched our wedding photographer, unfortunately, get a ticket from one of the traditional meters after our engagement photo session, but that’s the only instance that I can think of that’s happened with a traditional coin meter in recent memory.

Verdict: Going obsolete, definitely

Buttons and pockets

I agree with Karmid, in a way – I like my clothes to have a little stretch, be minimal, and be super comfortable. I see his reasoning that if keys, passports, and cash go obsolete, then there’s little need for pockets.

However, I bring in the cargo pants debate here. In the last few months, the media kind of exploded with the thought that men should ditch the cargo pants and shorts once and for all …

Not me! All of the shorts that Al owns have cargo pockets, and damn, they are the best things EVER! It’s perfect when I don’t want to bring my purse somewhere (Not often, but hey), and he holds my keys or phone that way. The perfect scenario is amusement parks! If I drive, I can give my keys, phone, and essential things from my wallet to him, and they’re safe and protected in those pockets!

And then for the ladies, it’s been nice to discover some dresses that have built-in pockets, too!

For buttons, there are days where I wish they weren’t around. I’ve had to re-sew many in my time (So fucking annoying!) There’s gotta be a better way. Zippers and those little slide doohickeys work for me; that’s why I’ve kept my black dress pants around for so long!

Verdict:

Pockets – Not going obsolete

Buttons – Not going obsolete

Furniture

Karmid’s brief explanation about this sounded completely off-the-wall, straight out of a sci-fi script.

There’s too much money in furniture for it to go obsolete, period.

Besides, furniture has been considered art for, well, forever. It can do so much for a space.

There is such a thing as too much, but it’s definitely not going away.

Personally, I’m excited to get our own house to find the perfect furniture for it!

Verdict: Not going obsolete

In response, here’s a few everyday objects that I think are going obsolete:

  1. Nail polish – I love the Jamberry nail wraps! Sure, it’s a bit more time-consuming, but they’re so pretty with the seemingly endless designs, and they last so much longer than regular mani-pedis! And, did I mention they’re cheaper?
  2. Regular soap – Good gracious. I feel like everything is anti-bacterial now. There’s so much hand sanitizer. I carry it with me, but I try to have a balance. I don’t want to kill the good germs!
  3. Printed photos – I personally love filling frames with printed photos. Nowadays, there are less cameras, and mostly phones. Most photos are stored on Facebook. I love photo canvases, but having a variety of frames is fun too.
  4. DVDs – Netflix, Amazon Prime, YouTube. I rest my case.

Until the next headline, Laura Beth 🙂

09.03.15
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Commentary #10: “American Gun Control Rant”

Disclaimer: This post contains strong language.

Thanks to my friends Justin and Steph, I watched this video earlier this week:

After watching it, I shared it on Facebook. My tagline with the post read:

“Take eight minutes out of your day and watch this. It’s almost embarrassing that the British get this and know it better.”

“The Last Leg”

Steph, who is British, was the one who originally posted the video. Her tagline was:

“To my American friends … surely this makes sense???”

—

The show, called “The Last Leg,” airs every Friday live. They have a popular YouTube channel as well.

According to Steph, the show started a few years ago, focusing on the Paralympics. Adam Hill, the guy ranting, is an Australian comedian with one leg. Alex Brooker, sitting on the right side of the sofa, also has a missing leg. Josh Widdicombe is another comedian, who happens to hail from an area close to where Steph is from.

She loves the show and highly recommends it. They also do other topics. Example – They mock ISIS in a weekly feature called the “Ghadi Spot.” They always mention someone who’s been a dick. They also did a bit with Greece on their economy through Jeremy Kyle, sort of like Jerry Springer, which Steph thought was “brilliant.”

She posted links to the Greece situation sketch, and another titled “Following Donald Trump With A Tuba.”

Key Points

Watching the “American Gun Control Rant,” several key points stuck out to me:

  • “Between 1966 and 2012, the U.S.A., which has 5 percent of the world’s population, has had 31 percent of the world’s mass public shootings.”
  • “The United States of Ammunition … Turns Out Guns Do Kill People”
  • “You can’t change the Constitution … If only there was some way of amending the Constitution … I don’t know, some kind of amendment … Like the 33 amendments that have been made … Even the right to bear arms is an amendment …”
  • (Discussing the fact that the shooter of the Virginia reporter and cameraman filmed and uploaded the shooting) ” … Do you go for the sensational angle, or the tasteful one?”
  • There are no age restrictions on news websites. One of the guys gave an example if that you were 11-years-old, you could go on a news website and automatically watch the footage of the man shooting the reporter and cameraman, but that same 11-year-old can’t buy a ticket to a PG-13 movie like Pitch Perfect 2. Then the guy added, “which is a shame, because it was a delightful movie …”
  • Journalism is actually contributing to the problem.
  • Adam amended the national anthem on our behalf, which was painful to hear, yet hilarious at the same time!

The entire video was a good laugh. They are a funny group, for sure. However, they also gave me a healthy dose of reality.

Comments

On Steph’s post, Justin wrote, almost immediately:

“When our recent President got elected, every fucking paranoid asshole got scared he would take their guns and gun sales shot through the roof, no pun intended. America is a paranoid nation and our major news media only makes it worse, specifically Fox News. This makes total sense Steph. People are always scared of a bad man with a gun coming to get them and that the way to stop them is with a gun. Yeah except a gunman won’t be all ‘I’m going to come here at this time and kill people. You have 10 seconds to prep for it.’ He just will show unexpectedly and kill people. Sure people carrying can kill him back but the fact is I don’t want my Saturday at the mall ruined by some nut who decided to shoot the place up. Even if he fired off 1 bullet and then got killed, it still makes it a terrifying experience that could have been avoided. I say keep the guns for the military and law enforcement. Civilians shouldn’t have them, or at least they can with strict ass laws but I’m doubtful of that. What is it like in Britain over there? I heard your country really cracked down on them. Now yes crime will always find a way, but laws can make it a bit easier to sleep at night without worrying of a gunshot in the dark. And about the TV reporters who got shot, there are conspiracy people already saying it’s a hoax to de-arm America. I am not shitting you.”

—

To me, Justin hit the nail on the head. We are paranoid, and the media just stirs the pot. I majored in Communication Studies with a concentration in Mass Media in college. I’m glad I did, because I am far more suspicious of any media now. To quote Professor Halliday, I always have my bullshit meter out and aimed.

Britain vs. The U.S.

According to Steph, apparently only one specific section of the police carry arms. In general, though, “coppers” don’t carry guns, but they do have tasers, although that issue was debated heavily. Gun crimes do happen in Britain, just not nearly as often. It’s also a crime to “use/carry imitation guns.” Apparently, in Britain, the biggest issue is knife crimes.

Steph wrote:

” … Like you Justin I think it should be the right for military or police to carry weapons. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be a teacher in the US having to lock down because some nutter has decided to go on a killing spree.”

Steph’s reply made me think of this: Teacher credited with calming West Virginia teen hostage taker

Treating Guns Like Cars

I also jumped in, writing:

“This was amazing, Steph. Thanks for sharing with Justin, who shared it with me. I have shot several types of guns in the past, and I have learned about gun safety and how to handle a weapon properly. I agree with Justin – Guns belong with the military and law enforcement. If you want a gun, you should have to go through a process like you would to drive a car. I saw that comparison online today. So many people stand behind ‘the right to bear arms.’ I’m all for patriotism, but I’m definitely not okay with the amount of violence that guns are used for. I live the Hampton Roads area, and it makes me sick to see a new shooting on the news almost every single night.”

This is the comparison I was referencing:

I thought this idea was brilliant.

I personally don’t think that this will ever happen in the U.S., due to the National Rifle Association and people standing by the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution …

HOWEVER, it’s certainly nice to think about.

Imagine a world …

Self-Defense

The comments briefly shifted to self-defense with a comment that Steph made. I brought up the Trayvon Martin case that came out of Florida in 2012.

But, that’s a whole other conversation, with “stand your ground” laws, and self-defense in general.

Desensitized

Steph wrote:

“Do you think your country is becoming desensitised (sic) with the regularity of shootings? It’s awful and a wonder that there has been no stop to it. I would feel shit scared to fall asleep at night. Could start cycle of am scared so have gun to protect myself from someone with a gun?

—

Justin and I both agreed, immediately.

—

I wrote:

“Oh absolutely. I fully believe we are desensitized. As they said in the post we have had so many mass shootings since Columbine in 1999. I know people who have guns for protection. And I’ve heard of cases where people have guns for “protection,” and then either they get killed or someone in their family gets killed because one of their young children gets a hold of and it’s loaded.”

—

Steph replied:

“Sheer madness!”

—

Justin wrote:

“YES!!! We totally are desensitized with it. You live your whole life in a nation that shoots people every day and you will start to see it, sadly, as a part of every day life. I hear you on the knife crimes. I have a friend who was in Britain and was mugged by a guy with one. Scary thought. The case about the Uzi was something I remember. There was no fucking reason that girl should have been using it or trying to fire it. That gun kicks like a horse and without a good tight grip it would have gone everywhere. Sadly she didn’t have that and now that man is dead. I love this video that you shared Steph, just a bit disappointed as well, that people from other countries look at us and go ‘Wow you guys really need to get your shit together.'”

The Uzi case we referenced: Child firing Uzi at Arizona shooting range accidentally kills instructor 

Celebrating Zero Deaths

Justin also recalled the day that New York City celebrated no violent crime for 24 hours.

It was Monday, November 26, 2012.

Ironically, the only credible source that I could find with a link to this story was the BBC …

Either way, that article also referenced a graph of global murder rates (per 100,000). The U.S., based on a 2011 study, ranked 8th out of 11 measured global areas. New York was slightly higher than the overall U.S. murder rate. However, at the time of the study, Caracas, Guatemala City, San Salvador, Port-au-Prince, Bogotá, and Sao Paulo were all higher than New York and the U.S. Beneath the U.S. were the cities of Moscow, Paris, and London.

Mental Illness

Then Will chimed in, writing:

” … The main problem that needs to be looked at is mental illness. That’s the root of the problem. Sure, guns end up in the wrong hands of people. Maybe it is too easy. And I think Justin already pointed out that even with gun control, bad people can still get guns. Or use a knife. Or use a bomb. But that’s just it. Gun control is not going to eliminate guns from bad people’s hands. Only law-abiding citizens are going to abide by the law! You don’t take care of a wart by picking at it. You get to the root of the problem. I’m not saying that’s an easy solution but it’s something our govt (sic) needs to address. Unfortunately we stand to make more money on pharmaceuticals. And of course, Hitler, Stalin, Mao forced people to turn over their guns in our past. Millions upon millions killed. Not saying that’s going to happen again but as they say, if you don’t know your history you’re doomed to repeat it.

And I understand liberals hate Fox news, and I’m not saying they’re perfect (I don’t even bother with the news on tv) but let’s not pretend MSNBC, CNN, etc aren’t just as bad if not worse. And though I was hoping to find credible numbers to back this up Fox News has had better ratings than MSNBC, CNN, etc. You can dice that any way you want. Personally they’re all bad as the other.”

—

Justin replied:

” … As far as mental illness is concerned, yeah that’s a huge issue too. The biggest one to date. Mentally insane people are dangerous enough, when they get a hold of dangerous things it makes things worse. But people in this country are way too inclined to throw them in jail or shoot them instead of addressing their illness and getting them the help they deserve. It’s an underfunded thing, and it needs to change.”

Recap – My Thoughts, Overall

  • “The Last Leg” — Thanks to Steph and Justin, I’m hooked. I look forward to watching previous episodes and enjoying newer ones. I have a greater appreciation for British humor and comedy, although this video in particular was a bit painful to watch, because everything these guys said was absolutely fucking true. Get your shit together, America!
  • Comments — It was fascinating to see the long string of comments on Steph’s post. I re-read them all to write this piece. I’m happy that a conversation, albeit small, was started on Facebook. I hope this blog post inspires more conversation. The news media has put a terrible spin on guns, gun control, and mental illness – All of them are guilty. It’s time for real conversations between the people who live in this country.
  • Britain vs. The U.S. — It’s fucking embarrassing that the U.S., once again, is behind our countries, on yet another key issue. Again, get your shit together, America!
  • Treating Guns Like Cars — This concept, to me, is fucking brilliant. We all have specific rules to follow in order to drive cars, motorcycles, boats, 18-wheelers, and other vehicles. Why can’t similar rules be applied to guns?! It makes so much damn sense. Granted, in my comments, I stated that guns should be left to the military and law enforcement. I stand by that statement. However, I think that if a non-military, non-law enforcement citizen wants to own a gun, then there should be crystal clear, upheld rules that must be followed to get one and to keep one. Across the board, federal rules. No fucking exceptions!
  • Self-Defense — This is still murky, and the Trayvon Martin case blew self-defense and “stand your ground” laws out of the shadows and into the international spotlight three years ago. This issue needs to be universal across the entire U.S. This is something that the Supreme Court should decide, not be left up to the states.
  • Desensitized — Like the comments above, this is because of the ridiculous amount of media coverage. My local news stations almost always lead their broadcasts, day in and day out, with the latest shooting or the latest death by gunshot wound. I hate it, I fucking hate it. I barely pay any attention while on the treadmill at the gym at 5:30 in the morning, and I ONLY seek out the online stories if the locations are close to me or my family. It makes me sick. It’s a fucking ratings game, that’s all it is. Hence why I studied Mass Media, but decided to not go into reporting or broadcasting.
  • Celebrating Zero Deaths — This was certainly intriguing when the story broke. However, it’s actually very sad. It only lasted one day, in one major city in the U.S. All around the country, there are countless shootings in so many cities, large and small, every single day. Sure, the major cities get covered. And more recently, we’ve learned about the losses of police officers, TV reporters, state troopers, college students, and children.
  • Mental Illness — Like the comments above, this is a HUGE issue. And it’s a damn shame that it’s an issue, because it simply shouldn’t be. However, there are so many pieces that need to be fixed. Example: There have been several reports, in Hampton Roads and in the state of Virginia, where no beds were available at mental health facilities for those in need, in times of true crisis (Virginia Senator Creigh Deeds’ son, Gus, in November 2013; and in Portsmouth, Jamycheal Mitchell, in August 2015). In the last fourteen years, I have known four people who have died by suicide, and at least two of those died due to self-inflicted gunshot wounds. The stigma needs to end. These people are simply crying out for help. They deserve that help. They deserve the very best facilities and the very best people and the very best care to help them get better.

Until the next headline, Laura Beth 🙂

07.25.15
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Commentary #9: “15 Women Who Would Like To Remind Everyone That Cosplay Is Not Consent”

This all started with a Buzzfeed article titled “15 Women Who Would Like To Remind Everyone That Cosplay Is Not Consent.”

When Al and I were preparing for Tidewater Comicon in May, I remember asking Al one specific question:

“Do you think I should wear my black leggings with my Ghostbusters costume?”

Tidewater Comicon, May 2015.

Tidewater Comicon, May 2015.

Image Credit: Al Vardaro

Image Credit: Al Vardaro

You see, the reason I asked Al that question is because the Ghostbusters costume I have is “sexy.”

The costume dress is low-cut and the hem stops around my knees.

In answering my question, Al said that I should wear the leggings, to be safe.

When I first read the Buzzfeed article, I was horrified. I’m glad I was sitting down, otherwise I would have fallen down. These women had hear and experience terrible, unwarranted, blatant harassment from men, all at San Diego Comic Con. I felt disgusted. I felt violated for them.

It made me think back to Tidewater CC in May. I’m glad I wore the black leggings. I’m glad Al was with me the entire weekend.

More so, I’m glad that my first cosplay/comicon experience was a positive one.

I recall everyone who wanted to take a picture of me – And there were a few, it was so flattering – ASKED me first. That’s key. I never mind, and I always tried to thank the person for asking. It’s so important.

I put out a call on Facebook for pictures and stories and opinions on this issue. I received several responses! I’ll start with Kristi, one of my friends since childhood:

Bento - Katsucon 2014 Image Credit: Kristi Rae Britt

Bento – Katsucon 2014
Image Credit: Kristi Rae Britt

Pinkie Pie - Animazement 2012 Image Credit: Kristi Rae Britt

Pinkie Pie – Animazement 2012
Image Credit: Kristi Rae Britt

Pinkie Pie - Nekocon 2013 Image Credit: Kristi Rae Britt

Pinkie Pie – Nekocon 2013
Image Credit: Kristi Rae Britt

Vanellope - Possibly Otakon 2014 Image Credit: Kristi Rae Britt

Vanellope – Possibly Otakon 2014
Image Credit: Kristi Rae Britt

Kristi had this to say about cosplay:

“As for the topic, cosplay is an art form that can be enjoyed in many ways. Some people like to create exact replicas of costumes, some more inspiration-based. For me, I like to take characters and really mold them to fit my body type. I like to be creative in what I create and still have the essence of that character visible. Cosplay is for everyone, though there have been times I had to step away because of ridicule. I’ve always struggled with my weight and there were some who flat out told me I had no business dressing up because I was fat and unattractive. Even though I consider myself strong, those comments will cut into someone’s soul and even an art form they once loved would get tossed by the wayside. However, I still dabble from time to time and get a rush from creating something amazing.”

And her thoughts on consent:

“Being part of cosplay since my high school days, I have witnessed much at conventions especially through the years. People will snap a shot without permission and though some would consider that an innocent act it can turn into a hellfire. I’ve seen people appear on slander sites, their picture passed around with horrible strands of ridicule thrown about targeted at them. I’ve seen photos become a tool for sexual harassment and worse. And it’s not just photographs you have to worry about.

There were times where people would touch me and my friends inappropriately without consent and even with a push to tell others about the violations, it would be played off as just something that happens at conventions. From recent conventions I’ve gone to, the community seems to better handle such cases but all-in-all I don’t think we are where we need to be. I don’t care if they are in an outfit showing off a lot of skin. I don’t care if they are fully clothed. Man or woman, I do not care. Consent, in a convention setting and a setting in the world beyond, is key. If you have no consent, don’t do it. Don’t keep pressing buttons, don’t try and sneak it in later, just don’t do it. It only takes one time for someone to toss away something they love for fear of what could happen. Just be accepting, have some respect for everyone, and let’s all be geeks and nerds together without fear.”

Knowing Kristi for many years, reading that she has been harassed because of her struggles with weight made me fucking pissed. I get angry when people around me make snide, unwarranted comments about people who are heavy. I have several friends who continue to struggle with their weight, and it hurts me deeply. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

Our friend Justin has been to many conventions in the last several years, his favorite being Katsucon.

Ellis from Left 4 Dead 2 Image Credit: Justin Hunter Clatterbuck

Ellis from Left 4 Dead 2 (right).
Image Credit: Justin Hunter Clatterbuck

Hunter from Left 4 Dead 2, with L4D2 Boomer cosplayer. This was Justin's first-ever cosplay. Image Credit: Justin Hunter Clatterbuck

Hunter from Left 4 Dead 2 (left), with L4D2 Boomer cosplayer.
This was Justin’s first-ever cosplay.
Image Credit: Justin Hunter Clatterbuck

Maliwan Vault Hunter from Borderlands 2, Katsucon 2015. Image Credit: Justin Hunter Clatterbuck

Maliwan Vault Hunter from Borderlands 2, Katsucon 2015.
Image Credit: Justin Hunter Clatterbuck

His thoughts on cosplay and consent:

“Cosplay is something that should be enjoyed by everyone, and there are people who ruin that by trying to get their pics in when they are not allowed. Apparently no one told them ‘no’ or they don’t think it applies to them. I can’t stand people who try to sneak a pic in of a cosplayer, especially their crotch, chest, or butt, without their consent just because they want it. It’s rude, disrespectful, and just wrong. Cosplayers don’t mind if you want a picture. Just ask and be polite. Hell I’ve had people take many pics of me and they were all polite and asked me first. I try to extend the courtesy to them as well. No one wants to see their friend/spouse/girlfriend or boyfriend get harassed and then lose all spirit in cosplaying. It affects more than just that person, it can affect a group of others. When one person gets harassed, their friends may not want to come back to the convention either. We all have each others back, and people need to learn that. It’s 2015, you are all human beings, act civil, dammit.” 

Justin recently told me the story of what happened at Katsucon 2013. The convention center was hosting two conventions that weekend – Katsucon, and a religious leadership convention for young adults.

The kids attending the leadership convention were in absolute awe of Katsucon and all the activity, especially everyone in cosplay.

However, the adults were far less kind. These adults, put there that weekend to guide and lead these kids in the ways of their religion and better themselves, unfortunately started behaving badly. The adults violated multiple people of their privacy and made astounding comments to the cosplayers, many times in front of the children they were leading. Justin was horrified. When he told me, being a Christian woman, I was astounded.

“If you don’t wanna be stared at, stop dressing the way you do at conventions.”

That’s a quote that’s been seen many times, at different conventions.

Justin said, with complete sarcasm, “You know, it’s totally your fault that guys will come up and snap pics of your boobs and ass without your consent.”

FUCK NO!

Unfortunately, no matter how shitty that statement is true, some do think it’s true.

Here’s some other articles that are publicizing this fight:

All of these articles were either published in 2013 or 2014. This has been a problem for a long time, and I, for one, am very happy to see this fight.

Harassment is ILLEGAL.

Moreover, it’s WRONG.

Despite this negativity, I’m holding my head high. I loved going to Tidewater in May. I cannot wait for the next one. I plan to cosplay as Stargirl (Courtney Whitmore) next year.

I’m happy people are standing up and trying to fight harassment. Unfortunately, people will continue to say their thoughts and opinions, without a filter, and usually without using their brain.

However, I’m a geek and a nerd. I love conventions. I love cosplay. And no brainless, spineless comment will deter me.

Until the next headline, Laura Beth 🙂

07.10.15
by

Commentary #8: “Quiverfull of Shit: A Guide to the Duggar’s Scary Brand of Christianity”

Disclaimer: This post contains strong language.

Image Credit: quotesabouteducation.net

Image Credit: quotesabouteducation.net

As many of you know, I follow my friend Megan’s blog, Freckled Italian, religiously. No pun intended.

I enjoy her posts immensely, and quite often, I’m inspired to write my own posts by reading hers.

Example – I was inspired by her Friday, June 26th post.

She wrote:

To Read:

Like Megan, I also don’t understand how the Duggars are so popular still!

When the Duggars first emerged on the scene, I was initially fascinated and intrigued, like many others. My parents don’t have cable TV, so I have not been a regular consumer of their show on TLC, now titled “19 Kids and Counting.” But I’m amazed that MILLIONS of people watch the show! However, with their many interviews, I have learned more than my fair share about them.

My interest peaked again when their 19th child was born prematurely. I was a preemie myself, so I felt a connection there.

But now, with the latest revelations of their oldest son’s alleged molestation, including two of his own sisters, I have absolutely zero interest in their lives anymore. I shake my head at the headlines. I’m angry. However, I wasn’t really surprised though. Molestation is often kept secret, by victims in particular, for years and years. It’s fucking terrible. I understand secrecy to an extent, but it is a terrible crime. It’s a stigma that needs to be changed. Not speaking up can cause these predators to continue their path of destroying innocence for years on end.

Personally, I was starting to get turned off by the family a few years ago, when two of the daughters entered courtship, married, almost immediately became pregnant, and declared that they wanted to have as many children as God willed them.

The courtship part was interesting to learn about, but it’s heavily supervised by the parents, and there are no individual dates. Every facet of communication is under the watch of the parents. Each single text is copied to the parents! Wow. Many children in courtship also save their first kiss for their wedding day.

… Nope, that’s not my thing!

Although I am a Christian, I don’t believe in their views of so-called Christianity. For me, I believe the couple is in complete control of adding children to their family – God is not in control in this instance. After all, the couple is having the sex to conceive, or saving the money for the adoption, or saving the money for fertility treatments, or making the decision to not have any children at all.

So, this article really intrigued me. As soon as I started reading, however, I started to feel my stomach turn. I felt so uncomfortable. I remember asking myself, just a few sentences in, “Wow, they really believe all of this?”

There are your Christians (a.k.a., me). Then there are your evangelical Christians. But the Duggars – The Duggars have gone a step further than that, which I never imagined:

“… they’re followers of a particularly scary fundamentalist sect known as the Quiverfull movement, which adheres to a deeply patriarchal and highly authoritarian set of beliefs about gender and culture.”

Wait … What?

I had no idea.

I read further, feeling my gut twist a little tighter with every word.

Birth control is evil?

Building a “pint-size fundamentalist Christian army”?

Whoa, baby. No pun intended.

That’s a little crazy.

And there’s more.

If you or your spouse happens to be infertile, and you’re part of the Quiverfull movement, well, apparently you’re shit out of luck. Apparently, God doesn’t believe in fertility treatments. So, even if you desperately want children – or God is telling you that you want X number of children, so sorry.

Also, this article doesn’t breathe a word about adoption, or foster care, or anything like that. Interesting.

“Women must obey the orders of men, in all cases”

Um, no. Hell no. Fuck no! Where are we, the 20th century, or earlier?!

I get it, in a way. Women have been submissive to their husbands – In past years. I’m sure there are some women, Candace Cameron Bure being a famous example, who prefer/enjoy being submissive.

For me, however, I believe that my future marriage is a partnership between Al and I. I try to treat Al as equally as possible, knowing that Al tries to do the same for me. When it comes to raising our future children, I would ideally like to stay home with them, if I’m able to. But, if not, I feel confident that I will be happy as a working mom as well. I will be happy as a wife to Al, and a mother to our future children, period.

“Premarital sex is sinful, and women are temptresses – who must also be sexually available to their husbands”

According to the article, this Quiverfull culture/movement, women (and men) have a lot of fucking restrictions.

I realize that there are a few denominations of Christianity that frown upon dancing, banning it even. However, with Quiverfull, women aren’t allowed to show their shoulders (Apparently that has caused their brothers in Christ to “stumble”), and then they can’t dance, AND they can’t front-hug their siblings.

What the fuck?

This makes me feel like I’m back in high school, remembering the strict dress code for school days, and then remembering the rules in place for prom and other dances. Wow!

In terms of sex, the only type allowed is “heterosexual, vaginal sex between a biological male and a biological female … and it can occur only in the bonds of holy matrimony with the intent of procreation.”

I get that, in a way. Growing up as a Christian in the United Methodist Church, I learned that sex before marriage was very much frowned upon, and if we did so, we were sinners and needed to ask God for forgiveness.

However, now, as an adult, I don’t necessarily believe that to be so bad. Sex is natural, between two people that love each other and want to express that to each other. In my opinion, as long as you’re not fucking around with multiple partners, willy-nilly, irresponsibly (i.e., without protection, you’re using your body for prostitution, etc.), I think it’s okay. As long as you love the person that you are in a committed relationship with, and you two are safe about it, I think premarital sex is okay.

“Parents control their children’s lives”

I agree with this, to an extent. As a parent, you are responsible for EVERYTHING your child does, from the day they are born until the day they turn 18. For 18 years, YOU are on the hook for your child. There are so many stories I hear from people I know, and in the media, about how the parents need to be schooled in basic parenting, or not have kids at all.

All right – Moving on …

What I don’t agree with is certain suffocating limitations in Quiverfull.

Again, no dancing. This also means no music that could cause you to dance – Meaning you’re limited to hymns and classical music. I like hymns and classical music, but if those were my only options, I think I’d prefer silence at some point. Dancing has so many benefits too – It’s exercise, it’s expression, it helps relieve stress, and so on.

Reading is restricted to “approved Christian books.” This saddens me, greatly. I love to read. I’ve learned so much about myself, about the world around me, and about my love of writing because of books. I can’t imagine not being able to go to the library as a child, to explore the wonder of getting any book I wanted, over and over. I do read some Christian books and literature, but I relish in having a choice to do so.

I do agree with controlling Internet access. That’s important, especially in today’s world of sextortion, online predators, and more. For me, my kids will not have a smartphone until the earn the money to get one, and then Mom and Dad will have strict limits on everything until their 18th birthday. My job, until they’re 18, is to protect them. I want to teach them about the bad things in this world, and then help protect my kids from it as much as possible. My kids may hate me for years on end, but my job is to be their parent, not their friend. I cannot emphasize that enough!

I don’t agree with not having a television. This is something that will be limited in my house when it comes to my kids, but it will be there. I want them to get away from the electronic devices and, you know, go outside and play. It’s how I grew up. I got kicked out of the TV room and off the computer, and sent outside. My kids will be no different.

“Families must be self-sufficient – no schools and no government assistance, no matter how many kids”

This fascinated me. Remember my recent post on welfare?

For the most part, I look at parents who choose to homeschool their children, and I think it’s amazing. I personally don’t think I could do that, ever. The best part is that we have a choice to do that. While I have a lot of beef about our education system in the U.S., I believe I got a great education in the Chesapeake public school system, and having the opportunity to be in the International Baccalaureate (IB) program in my high school was a great challenge.

However, Quiverfulls are basically mandated to live debt-free and without government assistance. Sorry – I have no idea how that’s even possible! There are so many in this country who are drowning in debt – Particularly student loan debt (It’s the fastest-growing kind, far exceeding mortgages, car loans, and credit card debt). It’s absolutely fucking terrible, it’s absurd. Many of these people will die with this debt. And that’s a damn shame!

The end of the article was also interesting, titled “The Human Toll of Quiverfull.”

This quote struck me: “It’s easy to laugh at the retrograde and irrational ideas of the Quiverfull adherents, but as Josh Duggar, Bill Gothard, and Doug Phillips have shown, the movement’s anti-feminism and authoritarianism can very easily elide, excuse, and hide abusive behavior.”

Yes, these ideas are definitely irrational. They’re hard to comprehend. After reading this article a full four times, I still have trouble wrapping my head around it all.

However, there is no excuse for abusive behavior. Zero, zilch, nada!! As a survivor of emotional, mental, and physical abuse, it makes me bristle to hear of women and men being abused, and then getting sucked back in because of broken promises. It makes me sick. But, at the same time, I’m grateful that I finally saw the light and realized I wasn’t happy, that I had lost myself, and took the steps to finally break up with John Ivey on Saturday, July 17, 2010.

I’m recently started to see a counselor to address my struggles with anxiety, recent panic attacks, and other issues that I’ve had and developed, partly because of what I endured in my four-year relationship with John. I want to overcome these issues, as much as I can, before I start a new chapter with Al when we marry on November 14th.

I want to become a better Laura Beth – A better woman, a better Christian, a better daughter, a better fiance and future wife to Al, and a better friend. I’m doing this for myself. And I feel so good!

Until the next headline, Laura Beth 🙂

06.25.15
by

Commentary #7: “We Tried On Victoria’s Secret Bathing Suits And This Is What Happened”

Image Credit: Buzzfeed

Image Credit: Buzzfeed

Buzzfeed has its hits and its misses.

This one, though – A huge hit!

Check it out – We Tried On Victoria’s Secret Bathing Suits And This Is What Happened

I shared this post earlier this week, almost as soon as I saw it on my Facebook Newsfeed. Once I shared it, I got an almost immediate response, with multiple likes and several comments, plus a few shares.

Body image, particularly for women, has been a flaming hot topic for many, many years. More recently, it’s been spotlighted with stories like Jennie Runk, Tess Holliday, and others.

In addition, bathing suits (in general) and Victoria’s Secret have also been under the microscope for a good while.

I was so impressed with these six women on the Buzzfeed staff. They put themselves out there, for literally the world to see, in one of the most vulnerable ways possible.

However, I say that last sentence with a challenge. It shouldn’t make anyone feel vulnerable to be in a bathing suit. Period. And notice that I said ANYONE. This doesn’t just apply to girls and women. We can’t forget about the boys and men, either.

We are a very self-conscious society. Yes, there are and there have been movements to make women and girls and others feel more empowered, stronger, more comfortable in their skin, and so on. I think that’s great. However, these movements, like YouTube videos, tend to go viral for a while, and then fade.

With that said, there are several empowering campaigns that I follow on Facebook that I think are awesome:

These pages go beyond body image – They work to promote confidence, strength, smarts, and so many other positive things! Check them out – I love them.

But over here, behind my laptop, I’m standing up with my head held high. I have struggled with body issues in the past. But no more.

Now, after many years of putting myself down and feeling sorry for myself, I am finally looking at my five-foot-six, 132-pound frame, every single morning, with PRIDE. I feel happy to look at myself in the mirror. I smile.

I’m so excited to go to Kings Dominion next month with Al and a group of our closest friends. I’m excited to wear a tank top and shorts. I’m excited to wear a bikini to the newly-expanded water park.

I do own some more conservative swimsuits – A tankini, and two one-pieces – but I wear those with equal pride. I’m excited to celebrate summer and showcase my body.

In fact, I may actually buy one of the swimsuits featured in the photo shoot. This is one of the Buzzfeed staff:

Image Credit: Buzzfeed

Image Credit: Buzzfeed

That – Wow. That photo is sexy to me. It shows strength! I love the design and the colors too.

Best part – It’s REAL. It wasn’t Photoshopped or re-touched.

That looks better than anything else I’ve seen.

Bottom line: Not all swimsuits have to be bikinis to be sexy.

Image Credit: Buzzfeed

Image Credit: Buzzfeed

The six women at the top of the photo look healthy, happy, and enthusiastic. And I love it!

I cannot wait to rock my swimsuits with just as much happiness and pride!

Until the next headline, Laura Beth 🙂

06.23.15
by

Commentary #6: The Size of the Ring (Shouldn’t Fucking Matter)

Image Credit: betterinbulk.net

Image Credit: betterinbulk.net

Disclaimer: This post contains strong language.

This was recently brought to my attention, via Facebook:

The original caption with the photo reads: “Let me hear your honest thoughts ladies.” This was originally posted in December 2014.

At that time, this photo got 152,000+ likes, 66,000+ comments, and 17,000+ shares.

Amid those 66,000+ comments – I know it’s hard to read – the comment directly underneath the photo reads:

“dear greedy cunts, if you will dump a man pouring his heart out to you because he can’t afford a rock as big as your overinflated ego please reevaluate your life and maybe lay off the MTV.”

When The Tasteless Gentleman re-posted it on January 6th, their caption was:

“this shouldn’t even be a question.”

Their post garnered almost 27,000 likes, 27,300+ shares, and literally countless comments.

A friend put it this way:

“and I think it’s fucking stupid really. If the man truly loves you and can only afford a small ring at the moment, and you say, ‘That’s it?’, then honey you saying no will be the best thing you ever did for him, cuz [sic] clearly you don’t deserve him.”

Precisely! I don’t think I could have said it better.

I couldn’t agree more.

However, with that said, I will also share my honest thoughts.

I mean, this is a “commentary” post, after all.

Engagement rings, in general, are wonderful. They’re beautiful. They’re unique to each and every girl/woman. I’ve seen many beautiful rings on the left hands of many friends, family members, and other women in my life.

However, did you know that the “tradition” of the diamond engagement ring is actually relatively new? Because of  the De Beers company and their crafty ad agency, in the early 1900s, they created a brilliant marketing campaign aimed at men in the U.S. – Diamonds are valuable, and giving your woman a beautiful diamond ring matters.

It was fascinating to learn about – Here’s one blog post about it.

With all that said, I don’t believe that it’s necessary to give your girl/woman an engagement ring.

Prime example: Al’s mom.

When Al’s parents decided to get married years ago, Al’s mom told his dad that she didn’t want a ring – They didn’t have a lot of money to begin with. What she really wanted, more than anything in this world, was this particular set of pots and pans. So that’s what Al’s dad did!

I was shocked when she first told me that story several years ago, but I love it. It is so unique! She’s not a jewelry person, anyway!

Also, to the women who value the ring and the size of said ring over the main point … Fuck off. Fuck you. That’s ridiculous. That is pure bullshit. I give you both my middle fingers.

That, right there, is basically the definition of being materialistic. And that is incredibly sad.

The main point, of course, is seeing your man (You know, that one, the one you’ve presumably devoted a good bit of your time/love/energy/effort to, whether it be a few months or several years or maybe you even had a child with him before this moment) down on one knee, asking you one of the biggest questions EVER.

If you’re that superficial, to claim that the size of the ring matters MORE than your man AND his love for you … What the hell.

You don’t deserve him. You don’t deserve that ring. You don’t deserve to be involved with him for one more second.

You (should) know how the song goes: “Can’t buy me love …”

I absolutely adore my engagement ring. Al let me pick out what I wanted, even after I offered to him, came right out and told him that I put my full trust in him to pick one out for me.

I look at it – Find myself/ catch myself staring at it, a lot – falling more in love with it, and the man who gave it to me, every single day.

Photo Credit: Al Vardaro

Photo Credit: Al Vardaro

At the same time, I’ve heard several stories of men who want to give their wives better rings. Someone I know wants to give his wife a bigger, better ring for their 10-year anniversary, a few years from now. To me, it’s so sweet and thoughtful that he wants to basically re-propose to her, knowing that the ring he had to originally proposed marriage was bought with limited money. Now, years later, they’ve grown in their careers to have better things. That’s awesome to me, and it shows how much he loves her and wants to give her what she deserves, in his mind.

But back to the original point. The same friend asked me what I would do if Al had held up a box with a ring like in the first picture – Would I say yes?

My answer:

“Absolutely. Without question, without hesitation.”

It’s not about the ring, not at all. It’s because I love Al. He is amazing. He is a wonderful man, a man that I have dreamed of marrying, and having children with, and building a life together for several years now. I’m beyond excited to know that in less than five months, that dream will fucking finally become reality. And I can’t fucking wait. The ring on my left hand is a symbol of our love together, but I know, 100 percent, that I would be just as much in love with him and excited to marry him on November 14th if it were smaller. I would never turn him down, ever.

Even if Al couldn’t have afforded a ring at the time he wanted to propose, I still would have said yes, no matter what. Without question, without hesitation.

Until the next headline, Laura Beth 🙂

03.26.15
by

Commentary #5: Follow-Up To “Godless Parents Are Doing A Better Job”

Image Credit: jezebel.com

Image Credit: jezebel.com

“Organized religion is a sham and a crutch for weak-minded people who need strength in numbers. It tells people to go out and stick their noses in other people’s business. I live by the golden rule: Treat others as you’d want them to treat you. The religious right wants to tell people how to live.” – Jesse Ventura

I don’t agree with this entire quote, but “It tells people to go out and stick their noses in other people’s business” speaks volumes.

Curious? Read on.

Recently, I published a post commenting on the article titled “Godless Parents Are Doing A Better Job.”

Didn’t get a chance to read it yet? Check it out.

When I published the post, the first response I got was from my friend Justin. He messaged me on Facebook, saying: “It wasn’t bad. The only thing I think you might have included is the fact that you may be expecting questions from people in your church (or other people) on how to raise them, and how you will know that your blood runs in their veins and that alone gives you the right to raise them as you see fit, religion or no religion …”

I was very pleasantly surprised to look at my WordPress stats page later on and see 25 views – Wow!

Then I went back to Facebook, and noticed two things about the “likes” on my post with the link:

  1. Only one person, at that time, was associated with my church.
  2. All of the “likes” were from people who are all under the age of 40.

This was interesting to me.

I’m not trying to make assumptions here, but I feel like people either

(a) didn’t see the post, or

(b) chose to ignore it.

Religion is one of those touchy topics. It’s very polarized. It tends to light fires under people.

For me, I don’t want to start fires or make anyone my enemy here.

I just want to have a civilized discussion on this subject, with anyone who is willing to listen and participate.

And that previous sentence right there is where some of the issue is. A lot of people don’t listen well. I’m getting better at it, every day. It’s hard to listen when you have an opinion, an agenda, or something to say – Trust me! I’ve gotten so wrapped up in talking, and thinking about what to say next, that I realize, after the conversation has long ended, that I was barely listening.

Over the last few weeks, since I published the original post, I started reflecting on several things:

  • My current view on the church (the church in general, but focusing on the church that I currently attend)
  • Observing the families in my current church
  • The people who I most closely associate with, and their views on the church and raising children
  • My vision for my future (concentrating on the next year)

When I first wrote the original post, it was tough for me to get my thoughts sorted out and somewhat straight. That’s why it took so long for me to write that post!

In my reflections, with time, I found myself less confused. I started seeing things a little more clearly.

I believe that “everything happens for a reason.” I’m living proof of that, literally. I was not supposed to survive my entry into this world, but I did. I should have had many more medical and developmental challenges, but thanks to my parents and doctors and a host of others, I didn’t.

This belief has continued throughout my time on this Earth. I believe that I was with John for so long to teach me how love can be flawed. I know that staying with John for so long, although awful and terrible and terrifying for half of it, helped me connect with Nick, and that led me to Al 🙂

My current view of the church, as a whole, is a bit skewed. My current church has been going through transition, for some time now, with membership in steady decline and the recent announcement that our senior pastor slated to leave this summer and a new one to come in. Also, this is the church that I have been attending almost every Sunday since I was four years old.

But as a 26-year-old, who is to be married in about seven months and planning to have a family one day, I’m not happy with the church. I feel smothered almost. It’s getting harder to smile on Sundays. If it weren’t for me being on the multi-media team and helping my parents out with Sunday School and blood drives on a regular basis, I wouldn’t see myself attending.

I go for the social aspect, to see the friendly faces. I’m becoming more withdrawn from the church services; less interested in worship, the Bible readings, and the sermons. I’ve learned more from helping out in the children’s Sunday School classes, which to me is exciting and sad simultaneously. I feel more connected with our associate pastor at the moment, and one of the main reasons is because she is closer to my age.

Observing the families in my church, they are wonderful people. The kids are well-behaved, for the most part (The parents are a significant part of that overall issue, but that’s another blog post entirely). The Sunday School program that we have for grades 1-5 is awesome, but attendance is down drastically, due to our steadily declining membership.

For me, if I brought a child into this world tomorrow, I would hesitate to bring them to my church.

Do I want my child/children to be baptized as infants?

  • Yes.

Do I want my child/children to learn who God and Jesus are?

  • Yes.

Do I want my child/children to be raised in the same church that I was?

  • No.

Do I want my child/children to attend church regularly?

  • Yes. But only if they choose to do so.

I want to be a mom that gives my child/children choices. I don’t want to force them to do anything that they feel uncomfortable with, within reason. Moreover, if they don’t understand something, I want to help them learn. I don’t want to force them to participate in something without explanation.

With the church, I want to guide my child/children, trying to strike a balance between holding their hand in life and letting them go on their own to discover and explore. I want them to know how I was raised and what I learned – BUT – I don’t want to raise them exactly like I was raised. I want to do that on my own terms. I am not dictated by anyone. As the mother, I have the right to raise my child/children as I see fit.

I do not plan to raise them in the church that I was raised. That was my original plan, for many years. But I have lost faith in my church over several years, literally. I don’t feel inspired like I used to be. If I don’t feel that way, I don’t want to show that to my child/children.

Looking at my friends that I closely associate with, many of them don’t regularly attend church. I can only think of three or four that go to a church. And those three or four don’t have children, not yet, anyway.

Those that have children, and there aren’t many, I haven’t seen them at my church or involved in religious activities with their children.

To me, this is part of my generation. We were raised in the church, but our marriages and families are less involved in church and religion. And to me, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

I have several friends that do not identify with religion, or with God and Jesus. And to me, that has been so refreshing. Remember how I said earlier that I felt smothered in my church?

Meeting people and becoming friends with those that are not Christians or who are less involved with the church and religion as I have been – It’s been a breath of fresh air. It’s been eye-opening. I have had more deep discussions about religion and other societal topics with them than I have with many of my Christian friends and acquaintances.

That says something.

Like Jesse Ventura, I strive to live by the Golden Rule as well. I don’t want to tell people how they should live or how they should raise their children, so neither should they.

As I think about the next year, I’m very excited to be married to the love of my life in my church sanctuary. To me, my marriage ceremony in that sanctuary is symbolically closing a chapter of my life that has been Aldersgate.

I don’t plan to withdraw from Aldersgate entirely come November 15th, but I do plan to focus on my new marriage and new home for a while. If that means I don’t attend church as much or be as involved in favor of spending more time with my new husband and our commitments to each other, then that’s the way it will be. Aldersgate will always be a part of my life, no doubt about it. But my involvement will change.

As far as raising my child or children in the church, I don’t plan to be a completely “godless parent.” I plan to draw on my life experiences to give them as wonderful of a life that a mother can give.

Until the next headline, Laura Beth 🙂

 

02.27.15
by

Commentary #4: “Godless Parents Are Doing A Better Job”

“What we truly want is the satisfaction of seeing our children become mature, self-reliant human beings, at any age, thinking for themselves, free and happy. Parents who want anything else are obsessed with control and not free and happy themselves.”
― Dale McGowan, Parenting Beyond Belief- Abridged Ebook Edition: On Raising Ethical, Caring Kids without Religion

Thanks to my friend Justin, I read this article.

And re-read it.

And read it again.

And again.

I kept circling back to it over these last few weeks. I wanted to publish this post within that first week, but I wanted to take my time with this one. This is a biggie for me.

Phew.

Deep breath.

Here we go.

It was originally published on Jezebel.com on February 3rd. Justin shared it on Facebook the next day, and his thoughts were as such: “Ok, this is an interesting piece. Personally the author tells a tale with this and while they sound biased, they try to not be so. I think it’s a good read regardless.”

Before I delve into the article and my thoughts, I want to share some of my story.

I was raised in a religious family. As an infant, I was baptized/christened twice, in two churches. Both were in Florida – Seminole on the west coast, and Coconut Grove in Miami – My grandparents’ churches.

The next 19 years or so were a whirlwind of Sunday school, children’s choir, being an acolyte, Confirmation class, youth group, many a mission trip, “mountain top experiences” at retreats, the Russian Children program, starting the blood drive mission with my dad, teaching Sunday school …

I grew to love and appreciate the church. As a child/teenager, I fantasized about meeting the perfect man through the church youth group or some other Christian way/gathering, and then raising our child/children in the church, like we were raised.

In 2007, I graduated from high school and prepared to leave for Longwood, where I planned to major in Communication Studies Mass Media, take creative writing classes, start a new chapter with my high school sweetheart, and truly be away from home for the first time. I faithfully wore the silver and diamond cross pendant that my parents gave me a graduation gift. I remember my mom saying to me, several times, “I hope you don’t lose your faith when you go off to college.”

I tried attending Farmville United Methodist Church as a wide-eyed freshman. Nope – I was so homesick for Aldersgate in Chesapeake that I abandoned it after just two, maybe three, Sunday services.

I got involved with InterVarsity as a freshman, and that was a good experience for me. For the first two years, at least. By the beginning of junior year, I was starting to see the light – My high school sweetheart had been emotionally abusing me for years at that point, and it only spiraled downward after that. So many people reached out to help me, to pray for me, and more, both in Farmville and at home in Chesapeake.

I pushed them all away.

—

Let’s fast-forward to July 2010. Those first two weeks were my version of hell. Our dating anniversary, July 1st, had not gone well. He completely ridiculed my anniversary gift that I had painstakingly assembled, and he made me cry more than once. I left his house feeling miserable, worthless, and feeling like a failure as a girlfriend.

The next week, while my parents were in Florida, he hit me, twice, Monday and Wednesday. I tried to break things off Friday night. That left me in absolute fear that he was hiding in the park behind my house, desperate to win me back.

That week, I never felt so alone. I felt so lost. I remember my mom telling me on the phone, “Pray about it. Everything is going to be okay.”

The week I broke up with him, we were volunteers with the church’s annual Vacation Bible School.

Things finally began improving as I ended the longest romantic relationship of my life – Just over 4 years. On Saturday, July 17, I turned back to the relationship that I needed to focus on most – My relationship with God.

—

With Al, I found that no one in his immediate family regularly attended church. It was surprising, but not a deal-breaker for me. To Al’s credit, he was a good sport about it. He came to Aldersgate with me several times for Sunday services. We even ended up being Mary and Joseph in one of the Christmas celebrations in December 2010 – Yeah. To this day, he gives blood regularly at the drives that my dad and I run together at the church.

But, other than the blood drives, he’s not involved.

And to be honest with you, that’s perfectly okay with me.

It was nice to see someone else that I knew had read the article too. Megan is an awesome, dedicated blogger/writer. I stalk Freckled Italian every day for a new post, shamelessly. Check it out!

Anyway, in her post on February 13th, Megan had this to say, about her and her husband:

  • Godless Parents Are Doing a Better Job. Rob and I aren’t religious people, but I grew up in a church and sometimes wonder how we’re going to raise our children. This piece gave me a lot of hope (and also made me laugh a little).

I couldn’t have agreed more with her two simple sentences.

My main thought, after reading this several times over, was that it was very well-written.

At first glance, the title made me raise my eyebrows, but I was intrigued, so I read.

It was fascinating to see the studies that were cited. The author was very thorough in her research, and I was more impressed the more times I read it. I mean, come on, who cites a 40-YEAR study in an op-ed for a website? That’s awesome to me.

I like the way she stealthily inserted humor, to the point where I didn’t realize it was coming until I was reading it. And when I read it, and it registered, I laughed. A lot.

Aside from the laughter and the statistics, I first read this on a Wednesday night while sitting next to Al on his living room couch. I pointed it out to him on my laptop. Although he didn’t read it, he seemed intrigued by my brief, excited verbal synopsis.

I thought it was funny/poignant that she wrote, “… Christians … can organize a blood drive like nobody’s business…” in the last paragraph too. That was awesome, given my expansive history with those kinds of things – Born into a family of blood donors, being a blood recipient, becoming a blood drive organizer/coordinator, and being a regular/faithful blood donor.

Having dated Al for just over four years before we got engaged this past December, the thought of marriage and having children with him has never been a question for me. He has supported me, 100 percent, with my involvement in my church, from Day 1 of our relationship. He understands that Aldersgate is where I have been attending since I was four years old. He knows that I am a Christian, that I love God, that I pray, that I am a faithful woman.

However, as the years have passed, I saw myself growing concerned about our different stances about the church, and our plans for us in the present and the future.

It helps that the two of us can talk so freely, so easily. Al really has helped mellow me out over the years, literally teaching me how to “go with the flow.” So the historically “tough conversation” about religion or “fighting over religion” has actually been relatively easy. We’re on the same page, we understand each other’s stances now.

I’m okay with him not being involved in the church – I really am. It bothered me for a while, mainly because he started out being involved with me, and then stopping that entirely, but he explained his reasons to me, honestly and without apology. That was enough for me. I let it go and got over it.

On November 15th, 2015, I’ll wake up that morning and find myself a changed woman – Finally united in marriage to the love of my life, and that is so exciting.

However, I’ll still be Laura Beth – I’ll still be that Christian woman, who loves God and relies on her faith. I’ll know that I planned a wedding that took place in the beautiful sanctuary of the church called Aldersgate, the place I have called home for 23 years, surrounded by our closest family members and friends. I’ll remain committed to the blood drive mission for as long as it stands.

But, there are lots of unknowns, unanswered questions, too. Will I continue to attend Aldersgate? Will I attend any church in my first years of my marriage? Will I raise my children in a household where Mommy takes them to church every Sunday, while Daddy stays home?

Question: Will we go to church at all, as a family?

Answer: I don’t know.

I have been praying about this, a lot. And honestly, up until recently, I was feeling pretty discouraged, pretty low about it. I felt like I didn’t have any answers. I felt like I was in neutral, spinning my wheels.

But reading this article three weeks ago renewed my strength and my hope. It opened my eyes. It gave me some clarity.

The main thing I realized: When I become a mom, no one else can truly dictate how I raise them. Those decisions come from Al and I, period. And sometimes, I’ll need to make the decisions on my own.

I have bookmarked this article and I plan to reference it frequently as I make this journey from fiancee to wife to mom.

In the meantime, I plan to explore/study these other resources:

I enjoy researching and studying, and reading and writing. I know that when I marry Al, and more so when we are first expecting or adopting or however we’re able to bring a child/children into our little world, those are guaranteed to continue.

Until then, you’ll find me living my life as I see fit.

Until the next headline, Laura Beth 🙂

08.31.14
by

Commentary #3: “10 Things Every Woman Should Know By 25”

I have a love-hate relationship with these types of lists. On one hand, I love them and think they’re great. On the other hand, I have great disdain whenever I see a new one (cue the eye rolling) and think about how the female population is being put into a box, so to speak. More on that later.

Considering I just crossed the threshold into my late-20s, I thought I’d look at this list and see where I am in terms of what the writers at this flagship/legendary magazine believe I should be.

 

I’m going to post the short list here — “10 Things Every Woman Should Know By 25,” according to Cosmopolitan:

1. Get a Clarisonic.

2. Cut the social fat.

3. Stop judging your friend’s dickhead fiancée.

4. Buy a full bed!

5. Stop not knowing when your period is coming.

6. Not everybody has to wear foundation.

7. Make the transition from talking shit to doing shit.

8. Invest in a black blazer.

9. Date a type of dude you would have never dated before.

10. I’ve said it before, and I will say it again. Stop worrying.

Here’s my take on these 10 things:

1. I’ve seen Clarisonic in the department stores. I’ve received the sales pitch and how beneficial it would be to my face, especially at my age. So, unless you want to shell out well over $100 for this “toothbrush for your face,” fine by me. Personally, some good face wash and a washcloth (heck, I normally use my hands in the shower in the a.m. and over the sink in the p.m.) have worked me for YEARS. I was blessed to not have terrible acne, and I’ve learned through lots of trial and error what products are best for my face. I currently use a combination of Clearasil and Clean & Clear.

Photo Credit: mojosavings.com

Photo Credit: mojosavings.com

For the record, I recently purchased a Clarisonic-like device from nomorerack.com for a lot less than the name brand. However, it’s been sitting in my linen closet, unopened, for over a month and a half because I haven’t finished using my current product line-up. I’m certain I’ll get around to using it, but I believe in finishing what you started in terms of products. Also, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!

—

2. This one was interesting. I’ve done this a couple of times with Facebook, mainly because my friends list was well over 1,000 people, and that was slightly insane to me. My advice: Go through your friends list at least once (it doesn’t matter what age you are though) and determine who you talk to/interact with and who you don’t. You’ll likely be surprised about how many people are in the latter category. Plus, if you un-friend them and they decide that they want to better their friendship with you because of it, that’s great.

—

3. Ah, engagements and weddings. Wonderful, crazy times. The point of this one is simple: Treat your friends with respect, and that ALWAYS includes their S.O./fiance/spouse/partner. Fake it if you absolutely have to in their presence.

Please also apply this rule to your friends who are single – Please stop judging them about whether or not they’re dating, or even looking for someone. I’ve been on both sides of this coin, and it SUCKS. For the love of humanity, be kind and don’t be a nosy neighbor, so to speak.

—

4. This list was originally published in September 2013, and I remember first reading this around that time. For this one, at that time, I shook my head and scoffed a little. I was in my apartment then, and sleeping just fine on the twin bed that carried me through nearly 15 years of my life.

Fast forward to moving back home in May 2014, and I asked my parents if the queen-size guest bed could be in my bedroom. They agreed, and everything changed. I started sleeping better! I have more room! I don’t feel like I’m still in college. You are not limited to a twin mattress!!

—

5. I laughed at this one. For me, I have always known when my period is coming, thanks to being on some form of birth control since before I was a teenager.

Clarification: My periods were absolutely terrible in the beginning – I put my poor mother through hell. We quickly knew something was wrong, so we went to the doctor and they advised that The Pill would help regulate everything. I think I started around age 11 or 12, so it’s second nature now. I was mortally embarrassed in the 7th grade – One of the blonde cheerleaders had somehow found out that I was on The Pill and then asked/yelled (in front of the entire grade), “Laura Beth, are you pregnant?” I realized later that it didn’t make any sense, but at the time, I wanted to melt into the floor.

—

6. When it comes to make-up, I’m like my mom; I’m very minimal. I only use foundation or concealer if I have a bad breakout, which is usually during my period. I realize that many of my friends aren’t as fortunate, and I feel sorry for you!

My make-up routine is very simple:

Daily moisturizer with SPF: Clean & Clear Morning Glow

Photo Credit: bourbonandgloss.com

Photo Credit: bourbonandgloss.com

Mascara: Cover Girl Natureluxe

Photo Credit: www.amazon.com

Photo Credit: http://www.amazon.com

Eyeliner – I like Bonne Bell and Mary Kay, but the Dollar Tree has some great options, too!

My advice: Take care of your face (see #1) and add some mascara every day – It makes your eyes look more open. And, whatever you do, absolutely wash and moisturize your face before you go to sleep each and every night – I’ve heard of ladies getting terrible eye infections from not washing off their make-up, plus your skin will be softer!

Anything beyond that, go for it!

—

7. Guilty as charged. We all do it. I love this one because of this: “We talk shit because it’s easy, comfortable, and cathartic – but nobody will know, and nothing will change, until you speak up.” PREACH!

But seriously, go live your dreams. Save some money. Travel the world. Go back to school and get that degree you’ve always wanted/needed.

—

8. This is one of the easiest ones! I have one from Kohl’s (Apt. 9). I have a matching black skirt too, and when I wear it at work, I get tons of compliments. Don’t go to Starbucks for a couple of days/weeks, take $50 or so and go get one. It’s professional and stylish!

—

9.  I speak from experience here. The three guys I dated B.A. (Before Al) were all from my church. I expanded my social horizons first by taking the plunge into IB in high school, and then again when I went away to Longwood. Despite all of that over so many years, I never realized that such an amazing man would literally be in my own backyard. Before Al, I had never been on a true “first date” – I fell into dating the other guys because we were in church and youth group together.

Al wasn’t raised in the church, and that was so refreshing for me. Sometimes you just need the slightest change in perspective (and possibly a persuasive younger brother – Here’s looking at you, Nick!). Take a risk. Go out of your comfort zone – You never know what you’ll find.

And here we are, celebrating 4 YEARS next week!!  I can’t believe it.

—

10. Again, guilty as charged. It’s so hard not to worry – There is so much that stresses us out. But I’ve seen the ill effects of worrying – How it makes people physically sick and debilitated. As the list says, “Everything will work itself out.”

Your world won’t end if you get drunk one night and your friends have all the ridiculous stories to share – It was just one night. Life marches on. You’ll laugh at yourself down the road.

Your world won’t end if you can’t find your dream job right now – Be brave and take the part-time job at McDonald’s or Michaels or the local day care or Bath & Body Works for their seasonal staff. Who knows what might happen? Working somewhere is so much better than sitting at home, no money and bored stiff – Trust me!

Well, there you have it. Is there anything that Cosmo missed? Let me know!

Until the next headline, Laura Beth 🙂