Today was one of those days where I felt like you had won.
I was so overwhelmed, stressed, defeated, and just utterly exhausted.
I’ve shed so many tears over the last few days, in every place imaginable. The smallest things made me start to sniffle and tears come to my eyes.
You’ve robbed me of hours of sleep recently. Tossing and turning, over and over, never truly getting comfortable in my bed next to my husband. Feeling so restless, my mind unable to shut down completely and let me sleep peacefully. The best sleep I’ve had in the past two weeks was on Sunday morning, when I was feeling sick from the paint fumes and passed out cold in bed for two solid hours.
But, I have so many people in my corner. I have God in my corner. I lean on my husband, my family, and my faith so much these days.
Waves of relief washed over me as I read a Facebook message from Diana this morning, as I was starting to emerge from your blinding fog, Anxiety. Seeing her words of concern and comfort made me even more determined to keep you at bay, put you behind me.
Immediately after reading that message, I prayed, tears in my eyes. Right at my desk at work. I’m not afraid to pray anymore. I used to be. But, now, I find myself praying everywhere. I know that God is always listening.
As much as I would like to totally get rid of you, Anxiety, I’ve accepted that you will always be with me.
However, I won’t let you control me. I can’t do that. I’ve been controlled before, and I won’t let that happen, not again. I’m not a puppet.
I’m taking back control.
Recently, I’ve realized some things, and that has helped diminish your presence, albeit slowly. Example: I won’t let lingering guilty feelings get in the way of finally realizing that / coming to terms with I was involved in a very toxic relationship with J. over the last year and a half. 18 months is a long time. Too long.
I won’t go back there. I can’t go back there. I’m pushing the guilt aside, feeling stronger with each day, and holding my head up high as I attempt to be the bigger person.
This morning, after watching me break down crying, my manager made me laugh and then said something to the effect of, “Don’t let your past interfere with your present.”
You better believe I’m holding on to that.
Anxiety, you may have claimed a small victory over me recently. But, I’m tired of the stress, overwhelm, sadness, and guilt that you’ve churned inside me. I’m letting go. I’m releasing all of that – It’s been a drag, literally!
I’m devoting every ounce of my energy, henceforth, into my beautiful house, my amazing marriage, my work, and my faith in God.
Thanks for playing, but you can’t win every time. I’m too stubborn and too much of a competitor to let that happen.
Love always, Laura Beth
Until the next headline, Laura Beth 🙂
I’m sending you big hugs, positive vibes, & cheerful thoughts!! You’ve got this, girl!!
Thank you so much, Kristian! I felt lighter as soon as I clicked “Publish.” Your encouragement means the world to me!
Half the battle is accepting yourself – the good, the bad and the ugly. And you are doing this so well. Remember that today was a bad day – not a bad life or a bad person. Stay strong – you have survived every day up to this point. Plan something nice to look forward to – you deserve it x
Thank you so much, Nicky! Your words give me so much hope and added strength. I feel stronger already, as soon as I clicked “Publish.” I’m looking forward to this long Labor Day Weekend with my husband – Celebrating six years together!
Laura Beth, this is amazing!
Thank you so much, Rae! Your words mean so much to me!
You’re very welcome! 🙂
I appreciate your support!
Glad you’re doing better! Your post reminded me of this song by The Newsboys, Live with Abandon, https://youtu.be/-SJR2vdJFXw
Thank you so much! Oh, I love this song! Thanks for sharing!
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Thank you for sharing my link!
Reblogged this on and commented:
A painfully beautiful and beautifully painful open letter to anxiety that sounds like a collective voice of almost everyone who struggles with anxiety on daily basis.
Thank you for the reblog! I really appreciate it.
my pleasure 🙂
“Don’t let your past interfere with your present.” — That’s solid advice. It’s not easy but letting our history and fears control us is not a viable option.
Absolutely. My former manager was amazing. He went on to greener pastures in 2017, and has blossomed. He graduates with his Master’s degree this weekend.