Getting Personal #31: An Open Letter To My Anxiety

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Dear Anxiety,

Today was one of those days where I felt like you had won.

I was so overwhelmed, stressed, defeated, and just utterly exhausted.

I’ve shed so many tears over the last few days, in every place imaginable. The smallest things made me start to sniffle and tears come to my eyes.

You’ve robbed me of hours of sleep recently. Tossing and turning, over and over, never truly getting comfortable in my bed next to my husband. Feeling so restless, my mind unable to shut down completely and let me sleep peacefully. The best sleep I’ve had in the past two weeks was on Sunday morning, when I was feeling sick from the paint fumes and passed out cold in bed for two solid hours.

But, I have so many people in my corner. I have God in my corner. I lean on my husband, my family, and my faith so much these days.

Waves of relief washed over me as I read a Facebook message from Diana this morning, as I was starting to emerge from your blinding fog, Anxiety. Seeing her words of concern and comfort made me even more determined to keep you at bay, put you behind me.

Immediately after reading that message, I prayed, tears in my eyes. Right at my desk at work. I’m not afraid to pray anymore. I used to be. But, now, I find myself praying everywhere. I know that God is always listening.

As much as I would like to totally get rid of you, Anxiety, I’ve accepted that you will always be with me.

However, I won’t let you control me. I can’t do that. I’ve been controlled before, and I won’t let that happen, not again. I’m not a puppet.

I’m taking back control.

Recently, I’ve realized some things, and that has helped diminish your presence, albeit slowly. Example: I won’t let lingering guilty feelings get in the way of finally realizing that / coming to terms with I was involved in a very toxic relationship with J. over the last year and a half. 18 months is a long time. Too long.

I won’t go back there. I can’t go back there. I’m pushing the guilt aside, feeling stronger with each day, and holding my head up high as I attempt to be the bigger person.

This morning, after watching me break down crying, my manager made me laugh and then said something to the effect of, “Don’t let your past interfere with your present.”

You better believe I’m holding on to that.

Anxiety, you may have claimed a small victory over me recently. But, I’m tired of the stress, overwhelm, sadness, and guilt that you’ve churned inside me. I’m letting go. I’m releasing all of that – It’s been a drag, literally!

I’m devoting every ounce of my energy, henceforth, into my beautiful house, my amazing marriage, my work, and my faith in God.

Thanks for playing, but you can’t win every time. I’m too stubborn and too much of a competitor to let that happen.

Love always, Laura Beth

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Until the next headline, Laura Beth 🙂